Free

by Jon Crocker

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about

Recorded at home, summer 2017 thru winter 2018 with a single microphone and a single DI. Released on the same day as an in-depth interview with North of the Internet: northoftheinternet.com/jon-crocker/

credits

released January 19, 2018

Guitars, vocals, piano, drums, percussion, harmonica, bass, whistling, banjo, mandolin, organ, and backing vocals by Jon Crocker.
All songs and arrangements by Jon Crocker.
Recorded, engineered, produced, and mixed by Jon Crocker.
Backing vocals on "Might As Well Be Now" by Scott Trail.
Cover photograph by Meghan Crocker.

license

all rights reserved

tags

Track Name: Following My Feet
I grew up too early to appreciate the days I should’ve been out laughing madly
instead of worrying about what could be saved
I was always too afraid to let the chips fall where they may,
to let myself be something so untamed and unaware of where I stood--
not a human being, but a human watching being from a ways.

I grew up too late for the ones that got away--I should’ve given love sincerely
instead of worrying about what I might miss
if I closed my eyes to kiss. If I quit complaining about the things that never mattered,
would it all have changed? And where would I be today?
I’m glad I grew up when I did--before I let the best one get away.

Chorus:
And I’m still following my feet, but we don’t walk the way we used to.
We don’t go astray.
And we could keep on running around in circles every day, but me,
I’d rather take my time and keep on walking straight. Yeah me,
I’d rather take my time and keep on walking straight.

I grew up too early to know what to expect when cells divide and make a life, well,
what am I supposed to do with this?
I’ve never lived this life before, and I’m not the man my father was and I
don’t know how he dealt with all my lip. Maybe he was just as lost.
Maybe we all wear a bigger smile when we’re barely holding on--
and I’m holding with both hands.
Even if I do it wrong, all I do is do the best I can.

Repeat Chorus

I grew up too late to have a fighting chance at being something beautiful,
at making any mark that’s worth a damn.
So I learned to understand that breathing in and breathing out
is good enough for everyone--shouldn’t it be good enough for me?
Track Name: Might As Well Be Now
What am I so afraid of? What am I made of?
Brittle mixture of hope and fear and memories of left and lost.
All our eyes saying, “Desperate, don’t make me regret it,
‘cause here I go off the edge, again, I know I’m never going back.”

What brutally beautiful truth--to hear myself saying I’ve got nothing to lose.

Chorus:
I should have known that I was gonna do like I do: falling for that line.
It hooks me every time.
Why wouldn’t we want to believe that this time is right?
It has to come somehow. It might as well be now.

Because every time is the last time. It’s our favorite pastime,
to tell ourselves that the wait it through, to finally let it all fall out.
Take a break after mile one--yes, I’ve got a wild one,
burns too brightly to last for long. I’m hoping I remember how.

‘Cause these joints need an oiling can to make my knees believe they can run again.

Repeat chorus

The words hide in the side of my cheek.
They try sliding out every time I speak.
I don’t care if it’s only a week--’cause
I’ve got forests of fuel I’ll get through eventually.

Repeat chorus x2

Callback:
It’s gonna be catastrophe for some little while--just you wait and watch.
It’s gonna be catastrophe for some little while--it comes out in the wash.
It’s gonna be catastrophe for some little while--just you wait and watch.
Track Name: Ghost
Ghost, don’t you know I’ve been content? I’ve been content.
Ghost, don’t you know I’ve been content?
I’ve been content to leave my wildest dreams if it means I won’t have
no
more
nightmares.

Ghost, I don’t want to hold a torch anymore.
Ghost, I don’t want to hold a torch,
But there were times so dark your ancient spark was
just
enough
to save me.

Chorus:
And now that you’re gone, I might as well tell the truth
That as days drift along I hope I’ve been haunting
you
like you
do to me.

Ghost, I’ve heard you howling in my halls. I’ve seen you walking through my walls.
Ghost, I’ve heard you howling in my halls,
and I tried to howl in harmony, but my voice can’t seem
to reach you.

Repeat Chorus

It’s hard for my mind to override my heart.
These old habits have been dying hard.
I thought that I was through.

Ghost, I never meant to dig you up. I leave well enough alone.
But Ghost, I had to know that I could say
that when I leave that I won’t need to believe
that we’ll be
reunited.
Track Name: Easier Each Time
We were the ones who swore we’d never kneel, we’d never wear a suit.
The only one I’ve worn is the one I rented for you.
I’m still not sure of the way to tie a tie, the way to shine my shoes,
and in that ignorance I’ll gladly take some pride.

The suited six of us will see you off, will say, “So long, my friend.”
A shove into the unknown, except I know just how it will end:
there’s one less fist in the air, there’s two less lungs screaming at the man,
there’s one less one of us to feed our need to stand.

Chorus:
Giving up just one more dream gets easier each time.
Expecting less from your days and weeks gets easier each time.
Letting slip who you thought you’d be gets easier each time…
the constant compromise…
if this life isn’t mine, who did I give it up to?

You might find comfort in the knowledge that you’re really not alone.
I signed you up for a club called “Burying your soul.”
And once you’ve paid your dues, it’s doubtful that you’ll ever get it back,
and if you do you’ll find it’s been chewed full of holes.

Repeat Chorus.

I saved some spirits we had before they aged, before they knew the truth.
If you come back around, there should be enough for you,
too.
Track Name: Like A Kid Again
Please excuse my fumbling hands--is that the way you’re supposed to do it?
No, no I never had the chance to learn. No, I never knew it.
And I still haven’t learned…

Please excuse my fleeing feet--they run at any hint of hurt.
I learned to turn and leave instead of fight for what I deserve.
And I still haven’t learned…
that it’s hard to change my heart the way I change my mind, I try,
but it doesn’t happen easily.
It’s plain to see--I’m an old dog trying tricks.
No, I’m not worth trying to fix.

Chorus:
So there I go, acting like I’m a kid again.
But who do I think I’m fooling?
I was never a kid.

Please excuse my muddled mind--I forget to forget about the future.
I’m always in front or behind--I forget to forget about the past.
And I still haven’t learned…
that it’s hard to change my heart the way I change my mind, I try,
but it doesn’t happen easily.
It’s plain to see--I’m an old dog trying tricks.
No, I’m not worth trying to fix.

Repeat Chorus

And I still haven’t learned to broach the subject tactfully.
No, I still haven’t learned to let bygones be what they will be.
No, I still haven’t learned how to shirk my responsibilities.
No, I still haven’t learned to speak my mind before I think.
No, I still haven’t learned to let anything invade my sleeve.
No, I still haven’t learned to not care if I lose some sleep.
Because I’d like to stay up late for all of the right reasons.

Repeat Chorus

Please excuse my guarded heart--you know I never asked to have it.
It’s probably not as hardened as I might think it is.
Let’s take it for a ride. Yeah,
it might get tenderized.
Track Name: A Million Miles
Anyone who’s been behind the wheel a million miles has cheated death
My foot to the floor to try to feel something besides the things I left
So when will those miles catch up with me?
When will those miles catch up with me?

Anyone who’s sang so many songs has given joy, has given hope
But how many promises I sang--they weren’t true--I had no control
So when will my words catch up with me?
When will my words catch up with?

Anyone who’s broken someone’s heart--besides their own--they can’t take it back
I guess that I’ve broken one or two--besides my own--but who’s keeping track?
So when will my deeds catch up with me?
When will my deeds catch up with me?

Anyone who’s been been behind the wheel a million miles had felt alone
I looked high and low for someone else to come along and take me home
So when will those miles catch up with me?
When will those miles catch up with me?
Track Name: Who'd Have Ever
Who’d have ever thought that I could stick around?
No, I never could before--tried a year or two or four.
I guess I hadn’t yet met someone as appealing as the door.

And who’d have ever thought that I could be so strong?
Yeah, I lift my share of weights--I lift my eyelids and my face.
They’re so heavy every morning but I lift them anyway.

Chorus:
But who knows where things can go when we let the wind decide which way to blow?
And even if we were Nostradamusized, I think I like it being taken by surprise.

And who’d have ever thought that I’d still make you smile?
All these years of acting tough, they were only just a bluff--
I’ve disguised a lot of love that just can’t help from showing up.

Repeat Chorus.

Who’d have ever thought that time could pass this way?
Sometimes years will seem like days. Sometimes days won’t go away.
But there’s always one more waiting just in case--
in case I want to lift my eyes and face.
Track Name: How to Move On
I’m going to walk away.
I’m going to walk away--even if you don’t.
‘Cause somebody has to make the first move,
and I’d grow grey just waiting on you,
so I’m going to walk away.

I’m going to be at peace.
I’m going to be at peace--even if you won’t.
And you can throw all the stones you’d like,
they probably won’t hit my, but some of them might, still,
I’m going to be at peace.

Your fire’s burning fine without me.
You bare your teeth and guard it with your soul.
But I don’t feel the need to feed your fury flame.
So I’m going to walk away.

I’m going to do what’s right.
I’m going to do what’s right--even if you won’t.
Even if it means I don’t live as well, well,
as long as I’m alive I’ve got to live with myself,
so I’m going to do what’s right.

I’m going to walk away.
I’m going to walk away, even if you won’t.
Some of us seem to live to fight.
Me, I’d just like to sleep at night,
so I’m going to walk away.
Track Name: Floating Away
Lately I’ve been falling back--retreat to the back of my mind.
Disengaging: pull my plug from the hole, it’s been draining my soul,
almost dry.
Maybe I can sit it out--watch it work without me at all.
And it’s hazy, but I can recall when I had it all in control.

And I don’t mind watching time fly when she flies back around in the spring.
And I don’t mind being tethered down--it’s the only thing that keeps me from floating away.
Please, keep me from floating away. It keeps me from floating away.
Please, keep me from floating away.

Lightly the world spins below--it’s a treadmill for those on the ground.
On a spacewalk with a moon’s eye view, I see all of you thrash around
Like you don’t know that you don’t need to run full speed to the grave.
‘Cause when you push me and you pull me, it’s the only thing that keeps me from floating away.
Please, keep me from floating away. It keeps me from floating away.
Please, keep me from floating away.

Shake me if I’m lost in dreams and there’s something that needs my reply.
‘Cause I know that in the grandest of schemes there’s nothing that needs me to try.

And I don’t mind watching time fly when she flies back around in the spring.
And I don’t mind being tethered down--it’s the only thing that keeps me from floating away.
Please, keep me from floating away. It keeps me from floating away.
Please, keep me from floating away.

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